An American Idol Is Crowned

The bad news is that I don't get paid for this. The good news is that I can fast forward through the product placement (eat it, paid recappers for TWoP!). So many outfits, so little tolerance! Hit the link!



From the top:

Archie and Cookie stare at each other while wearing white. It's disturbing. Who will be the next American Idol? Make a snack - you've got 2 hours to get an answer.

So they've got Mikalah Gordon in Kansas City for Cookie, and Matt Rogers in Salt Lake for Archie. What can I say about them... well, Mikalah is wrapped in what seems to be Whitney Houston's favorite gold lame scarf, and Matt Rogers is still under the impression that we want him on our televisions. He also calls Archie the most famous high school student in the world, to which I have only one response: Miley Cyrus. Matt Rogers is stupid.

So the top 12 come out to painfully do a group number, but I'm too busy watching the So You Think You Can Dance kids to care. But if you care, allow me to do the math for you:

All White Outfits + Crazy Camera Work + Lyrics that say Fe Fi Fo Fum / Chikeze looking like Dream Angel from Grease = Cruise Ship Nightmare.

The Davids sing Hero and it's lovely because it seems like they actually like each other.

Product Placement bullshit for Mike Myers. Fast Forward! No, keep your finger on the button - they take FIVE MINUTES out of the show to plug this damn movie. The only good thing is that Ryan almost flies off the stage and for a second looks authentically freaked out. Ha! There is a human under that spray tan! It's like the scene in Rocky IV - he's bleeds! He's not a machine!

It's Syesha! Yay! She looks fab, sounds great, and Seal shows up! Um... Seal is married to Heidi Klum, why is he wearing a tee shirt he bought from a vendor in Venice Beach? Anyway, there's strings and clapping and sassiness and I'm in love with Syesha.

Fashion break: Paula is wearing boobs and red satin and a fishtail and I think that in some strange way, the dress is standing in her truth. At least that's what she would say. Randy is wearing a red jacket that reminds me of an old timey ice cream malted vendor. Yumm... malteds. Simon is wearing all black and a smirk, which is to say he is really standing in his truth.

Back to the show! Jason Castro sings his highlight reel, which is only Hallelujah, but that's enough because he's awesome. Also awesome? Go to youtube, punch in Hallelujah and listen to as many versions as you can. Because it's one of the best songs ever written. I'm partial to the KD Lang version, myself.

Ford commercial. Fast forward thumb is getting a workout.

The Davids get hybrids, and all of sudden we're on Survivor. Don't take the car, Cookie! There's a curse!

The girls do Donna Summer. It hurts because it's bad. Amanda Overmyer is going to snap, ya'll. She looks pissed. I think she's going to break tiny little Ramielle in half and beat Kristy Lee Cook with the bigger half. Go Amanda! Do it!

But instead, we watch Brook still unable to dance.

They're all wearing red, by the way, because they're singing Bad Girls and that means that they're hookers and hookers wear red. Just so you know. The So You Think You Can Dance kids are back. Hi! And then Donna Summer shows up! Those ungrateful brats probably don't even know who she is, but I'm bouncing on my couch in joy, because secretly I'm a gay man. She's got a bedazzled mike!!! They do Last Dance and Syesha sings with her and I'm happy and gay in my living room. I'm so happy, in fact, that I didn't even write a joke for when Syesha sang "But when I'm bad, I'm so so bad." (Just kidding. I wrote a joke. The punchline is "Mariah Carey week")

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns do "The Letter" and all I can think is that if Carly just learned to sing without looking so damn angry, she could have had another two weeks.

Jimmy Kimmel - faster, remote, faster!

Summer of 69 is a great song. Period. It's a big group number, I'm buying it. And then the Davids do Heaven and I start to believe that Bryan Adams is in the wings and then there he is! Hi Bryan! I had a major crush on your floppy hair when I was twelve. I used to call KISS FM and request you all the time. Of course, all I can think of right now is the Bryan Adams joke from How I Met Your Mother. (If you don't watch the show, you should. It's funny.)

Jordin Sparks at Disney World - time to work out my fast forward skills again.

ZZ Top and David Cook and it's rad. Also, this video is great, go find it and relive the power of ZZ Top to remake a nerd into a badass.

Graham Nash and Brooke White sing Teach Your Children. She's in heaven right now, I love her. This is exactly what she should be doing forever, running around and performing with all the past hippies and being smiley and lovely and all sorts of Carly Simon-esque. I'll buy that album when it comes out.

The Jonas Brothers perform! And they're.... okay, I'm 33. I can't pretend. Fast forward.

We must endure bad auditions again, which I hate because they're as painful as they are pitiful. Remember the guy with the outfit that was a combination of Liberace and a bridal shower where they wrap toilet paper all over the bride? Yeah, him. He's back, and he sings his song about being your brother and the USC marching band and cheerleaders show up and Paula manages to get on stage because she chewed through her leash and Randy joins her and Simon... wears his smirk, firmly planted in his chair like a good judge should.

THAT is why the scary auditions happen. Because once a year, the producers reward it. And so the freaks will wrap silver toilet paper all over themselves and show up to auditions because maybe they'll be the sacrificial lamb in America's never ending thirst to humiliate.

One Republic shows up and sings their song and Archie joins them and it's actually good for three minutes.

Then they ruin it by going back to Matt Rogers in Salt Lake, who says it's the biggest party in Utah. Well... yeah.

Jordin Sparks sings. I hate her dress. The Disney costume department is not a mall, Jordin! Worse, the song is boring.

Tropic Thunder product placement PLUS it spits on the Goddess that is Gladys Knight. I'm not amused. Fast forward.

And THEN! Carrie Underwood. I LOVE it. The outfit is so hard to describe, but I must try: It's the spawn of Shania Twain and Stevie Nicks and the cast of The Hills all in one. She's miles of leg and chiffon bondage sleeves and I think the song may be about marrying someone before you know his last name. AWESOME. I wanna hang out with Carrie and get our hair dyed together and sneak a smoke with her when no one's looking. Carrie - call me!

Again with the top twelve, singing George Michael songs. Kristy Lee Cook - dear God, she sucks. Is Amanda sedated now? Did someone backstage take note of the rage and slip her lithium? Or is Nurse Amanda worried about a patient back at the hospital? Damn, woman, wake up! Castro is sucking it up and he's terribly embarrased. And then the guys sing Father Figure and David Hernandez whispers, which is great because he's in on the joke about his stripper past.

George Michael time!!!! He marches out and sings Praying For Time (Carrie Underwood sang it on Idol Gives Back) and... guys, I love George Michael (remember I said I was a gay man?), BUT when did he get to the icon status that says you don't have to sound good anymore? You know - like Aretha or The Stones, they don't have to sound good anymore. They just have to exist and sing their most famous songs because we love them regardless of old people vocal chords. George doesn't sound good. And I'm not certain he's quite up to that status yet. Oh, wait - he's claiming it's a cold. Hmm. Well, I love him, so I'll go along with that story. He's sick, guys. Stop making fun of him. God.

Finally, it's time. The Davids stand there and Seacrest gets an envelope and says "Your American Idol is-"

And then my DVR cuts off. Seriously.

Off to youtube! Where was I?

Oh, yeah. David Cook wins! Ha! America finally gets one right! It doesn't make up for the 2000 election, but I'll take any sign that America votes correctly occasionally! He cries and it's adorable and Mom appears out of nowhere and Archie is dignified (I really hope his Stage Dad continues to feed the little loser) and then Cookie sings the terrible winning song and calls all the Idols to stand with him on the mini stage in front of the judges. It's actually quite touching.

So David Cook is off to make a record that will hopefully be a little more Daughtry and little less Taylor Hicks. And this show is done until January of 2008.

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