American Idol Results Show

So everyone who's ever watched American Idol saw this one coming - the All David Final. But before that announcement comes the traditional "send them home and see who cries" filler hour... and let the waterworks begin!

Archie goes back to Utah and gets sent to a mall (really?) and bawls like a cute little monkey who's parents are using him to live out their dreams. Speaking of which - Stage Dad is only shown briefly - Nigel must have spoken to security. He goes to his hometown concert, where his mayor (having escaped from Deadwood with his handlebar mustache intact) awards him with the usual proclamation of Utah-ness. Back on stage, they try to fake us out with the whole "we'll see if he makes it", but please. This has been ordained for a while.

Syesha goes to Florida and gets sent to an AT&T store (REALLY?), and then visits her family. She calls her Mom "Mommy" which totally gets me, then her drug addicted father says how she's his new blow. (Not in those exact words, but that's the gist.) Back to her high school, where she talks about dreams coming true and basically pulls a Paula. The Fox News helicopter takes her to her concert, where the mayor thrills me by being a little old lady who does a handstand - you go, Old Lady Mayor! Back in the limo, Syesha bawls. She says it's because her dream is unfolding, but we all know it's because the producers explained to her that the ratings are demanding an all David Final.

David Cook gets pulled on stage and is forced to humiliate his brother by pointing out that Drew was the one who was, in fact, auditioning. He made it, his brother didn't. Ha! Off to Kansas City, where he plays with the Fox affiliate green screen while Bon Jovi is in the background assuring him that Tommy and Gina are voting for him, cause he's only half way there. He actually sings Living On A Prayer at his show, and they cut to his brother singing along in the audience, most likely already planning how he's going to shove David down a flight of stairs ala Showgirls to claim his rightful place in the spotlight. Back to high school so he can hug his adorable music teacher, then he gets a parade. An actual marching banded, cheerleaded, convertible with his jealous brother by his side parade. He throws the first pitch out at a Royals game - believe me, they can't do much better than an American Idol, then actually cries for a second. Which I didn't think was going to happen, so pretty much that's the only thing that surprised me for an hour.

They finally get back to the live show, in which the three are lined up there with whatever is wearing the skin that used to be Ryan Seacrest (that's not a human, I don't care what they try to pull over on us). Cook is calm, Archie looks like he's gonna puke, and Syesha has the look of the damned. The Seacrest-like Thing makes the judges talk, and Randy says his usual bullshit and Paula babbles for so long that I pass out, and Simon stuns everyone by using the word "humdinger". I don't know why that's what throws them, when they've got a Cylon host, but whatevs.

Dim the lights! The Shiny Orange Thing announces Archie is in first - which is such a dick move. Syesha's only prayer was beating him, so that was basically like the producers saying "Pull your shit together to sing now while we continue with some false anticipation". And then The Blinding White Fake Teeth Thing tells David Cook he's in (Shocking, I say! Shocking!) and hands the mike to Syesha to sing her unwanted self off the show.

Best part? She sings Alicia Keys again, and throws down. And doesn't shed a tear.

Which, good for her. She was treated like the red headed stepchild for weeks, and still managed to get better each round. Godspeed Syesha - it'll probably be Broadway instead of a record deal, but that's still better than having to sing whatever god awful song the winner is going to have to force out next week.